Cloud 13
by theFanaticCat
Summary: everyone says they're on cloud nine...ever wonder what happened to poor guy stuck with cloud thirteen? originally wanted a one shot but...well i'm bored. R/R


_Authors note: Everyone says "I'm on cloud nine today!" so I thought to myself what about the peeps that get stuck on cloud thirteen? And well being the smartass that I am I decided to give it a try._

It was turning out to be another promising day on Cloud 13. The telly was stuck on Oprah, again, and the rain clouds that the weatherman had promised the ground crawlers decided they liked me better. All in all, I think I'd better send another letter to the Man In Charge about the service I'm getting around here.

Not everyone is so pleased, once they reach the pearly gates, to find that Life after death is spent on a Cloud. I was one of those, especially when they told me the only Cloud that had a vacancy was Cloud 13.

As to what a Cloud is, well, let me try and explain. Clouds are blobs of white that the non-living resides on. Some sort of modernizing idea the Angels had from the fifties, obviously. They are fairly new seeing as there are only, um, er, well, I don't know how many there are but not enough! That's for sure. Anyway, you can have anything you want on a Cloud even a TV. They also have these nifty little boxes that you can get any kind of food out of. It is, after all, Heaven.

Clouds are also different from 'real' clouds in that the living cannot see them or the non-living populating them. A real bonus, since you don't really want to see some of us the way we are when we reach Heaven. Especially me. Now I know what you're thinking and, yes, you can get nice clothes to wear in the afterlife once you get a Cloud.

But I, stupidly disbelieving all the hocus pocus about the number 13, said "sure! I'll take it!". Ah, the innocence.

Of course, in the beginning everything was well maintained and seemed pretty awesome until the heating broke. And yes, even the dead need heating when you're floating over the Arctic Circle and it is raining. But fortunately, Angel Bob was there to rescue me.

He made a comment about my wardrobe and 'fixed' my heating before warping (Yes, Angels can warp). That was when I figured out my clothes changing box was broken as well as my 'umbrella' thing that usually encompasses the Cloud and keeps me comfortable. And out of the rain. Kinda like a privacy bubble.

I figure it's been about 2 mortal years since I got this Cloud and let me tell you, I think I'm almost used to it. Almost.

_Hey God,_

_I know you're busy but do you think you could send Angel Robert over to Cloud 13 to fix my motivation button? It's been sticking an awful lot lately. Also, do you think you could send a food translocation chest to Cloud 21? The Fosters were most interested in mine and they were awfully nice to me so I would appreciate it if you could do that. Don't forget, motivation button and food chest._

_Respectfully,_

_Cloud 13_

Motivation buttons are awesome, when they work, little thingee-meh-bobbers are supposed to work something like a motor on a boat; they propel you to whatever patch of sky you want. Dunno who thought up the name though, makes me look around for the posters. Unfortunately, I no longer use my motivation button seeing as it didn't work from day one instead, I like to rig up a sail sort of thing made from random clothing I get out of the box. It ticks off the Angels that warp nearby.

The Angels are attracted like magnets to Cloud 13, for some reason, and I get about two Angels a day if I'm lucky. In fact, one time Archangel Michael visited me, _he_ warped two inches away from 13, to lecture me on the appearances I present to other ascendees and I "should really get a new motivation button". I smiled and thanked him for suggesting that but I already sent in a letter to management requesting a replacement. I added that it had been about three weeks by my calculations, not that I keep track, mind you, since I threw up the red flag, so to speak. He harrumphed and said, "I'll go over there and see what is keeping them. Don't you worry, you'll get a button." And warped.

I never talked to him again. Never got my button either.

Now Heaven isn't bad, in fact it's AWESOME but I am a bit of a pessimist now that I "live" on Cloud 13. Of course, I am the one at fault here for not being a more superstitious person and tossing my sanity to the wind. And anyway, I do have my pen pal; God. 

_Dear God, _

_Hey, dude (can you rightly call God a "dude"?), I just wanted to bring this to your attention. Clouds 78 & 89 have been harassing me for two weeks now and I am starting get really impatient with them. If an Angel doesn't get down here soon I think I'll do something that I am going to regret later. _

_Adios,_

_Cloud 13_

Russia isn't that bad, really, it's just the people who live there that give it a bad rep. That is one of the things that makes one glad Heaven is Heaven 'cause the whole "racial separation" stuff really gets on my nerves. I mean, I like people but in general we are a bunch of hypocrites. Unless you meet an all and out, true, born again Christian you get stuck with a bunch of pain in the butts but that's people, I guess, and there is not much I can do to change that. And yeah, I go off on a lot of different trails of thought, don't worry its part of my charm. Yeah.

Maintenance Bob (Angel Robert) is back again and telling me some story about the "good old days" when the Protestants were filing through Heaven. Apparently it was Martin Luther's idea to put out the myth that Angels pluck harps and sit on clouds. I must say, it worked pretty well for a simple rumor 'cause what the Angels really do isn't all happy, sunny, day-dreamy little jobs of righteousness that some people seem determined believe they do. Oh, no. They are continuously fighting a war with the Fallen that neither side is winning, a grim fact that I have acquired through my many talks with Maintenance Bob when he actually shows up.

Apparently, Maintenance Bob is something like a fill-in when someone makes a mistake or is sent off to some other sector in need of a "radioman" (he says radioman but they're Angels, right? Do they even use radios?). Right now, Maintenance Bob is in a male form but back in the day, or so he says, he was in female form which was the preferred choice since these were the days when angelic appearances on incognita terra happened a lot and he and Michael (who has maintained male form throughout the ages) would appear to madmen and artists to proclaim and dictate God's will in retaliation of the Other Side, as the "demons" are called up Here. Anyway, Maintenance Bob picked up a lot of things in his appearances and decided to "fight fire with fire, to use the human slang" (he also likes the word slang, no idea why) by adapting their divine weaponry to include cannon-like artillery and laser beams. I looked at him for a long moment after he told me these things and asked him if he had anything to do with the scifi movement. He smiled. And warped.


End file.
